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GBO Joke's

Quote:

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Golf Jokes:

Only If?

After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer

before heading home.

 

There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had

 a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her

apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.

 

On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something

awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin

their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.

 

"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I

played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman,

went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours.

I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me.

 

" His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag!

You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"

Golf Lesson

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a

dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the  woods. He asks

the pro," What did I do wrong?"

The pro says "Loft."


The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What

did I do wrong?"


The pro says "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says

to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when

we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer

each time.

What is loft?"


The pro says, "Lack of f...ing talent."

 

The Prayer

Jake is about to chip onto the green at his local golf course when a long

funeral procession passes by.  He stops in mid swing, doffs his cap, closes

his eyes and bows in prayer.

 

His playing companion is deeply impressed. "That's the most thoughtful

and touching thing I've ever seen," he says.

 

Jake replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

 

 

Whad ya shoot?

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of  golf.
He began his round  with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the
second.
On the third hole he  had just scored his first ever hole in one when his
cell phone rang.
 
It was a doctor  notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in  critical condition and in the ICU.. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife  where he was and that the he'd be there as soon
as possible.
 
As he hung up he  realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his
best ever round of golf.  He decided to get in a couple of more holes
before heading to the hospital. He  ended up finishing all eighteen. He
finished his round shooting a personal best  61 shattering the club record
by five strokes and beating his previous best game  by more than 10.. He
was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty  he dashed to the
hospital.
 
He saw the doctor in  the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him  and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you? -   I hope your proud of yourself! - While you
were out for the past four  hours enjoying yourself at the country club
your wife has been languishing in  the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead
and finished that round because it will  be more than likely your last! For
the rest of her life she will require round  the clock care - And you'll be
her care giver!"... The man was feeling so  guilty he broke down and
sobbed.
 
The doctor started to  snicker and said, "Just kidding - She died more than
two hours ago  - What'd you shoot?"

 

GOLF ... WHAT IT ALL MEANS: 
 
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the

occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. 
 
Golf - You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right.

The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. 
 
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls. 
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a

hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble. 
 
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make

a perfect shot. 
 
The term 'Mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.' 
 
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers .neither

of whom can putt very well. 
 
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is

always possible to get worse. 
 
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it,

hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you go out and for

no reason at all you really stink. 
 
If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might

wish to reconsider this game. 
 
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. 
 
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and

both are expensive. 

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 A husband and wife are on the 9th green    when suddenly she collapses from a

heart attack!
 "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
 The husband calls 911 on his cell phone,  talks for a few minutes, picks up his

putter, and lines up his putt.  His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
 "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, " they found a doctor on the second

 hole and he's coming to help you."
 
 "Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?
 
 "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

  -------------------------------
 
 
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous

with the game of golf.  You really know your way around the course.  What's your secret?"
 
 Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"
  -----------------------------
 
 A young man and a priest are playing together.  At a short par-3 the priest asks,

"What are you going to use on this hole my son? "
 
 The young man says, "An 8-iron, father.  How about you?"
 
 The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. "
 
 The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops

his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.  The young man says, "I don't

 know about you father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
 
 ------------------------------
 Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron

standing over a lifeless man.  The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
 
 "Yes " says the woman.
 
  "Did you hit him with that golf club?"
 Yes, yes, I did.."  The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her,

 hands on her face.
 
 "How many times did you hit him?"
 
 "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
 ------------------------------
 
 
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball

into a clump of trees.  He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees

he thought he could hit through.  Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing.

The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
 
 As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
 The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
 
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The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
 
  He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

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An Inspirational Golf Story.......  

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, "Naaahhh! I already played 3 times a week."

Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."

Then I thought...
   Shit, I could win this thing!

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