GBO Poetry



"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."     --Jack Lemon














Beaver Poetry!


Why Bob Never Wins the GBO

It is not really Bob's fault that he has never won the GBO

He always shows up looking pretty spiffy as you all know.


Bob has two partners when he tee's off to the play this game

Even though at times he's not sure which one to blame.


Miss Budweiser or the drunk in the cart with the Windsor

Or maybe it was the ran over golf ball by the Grand Beaver.


Even if Paronto does say something that causes Bob fear

Bob would not intentionally try to drive a ball in his rear.


The handicaps Bob is forced to deal with go on forever

he came close, but winning the GBO will probably be never.


Getting a better partner would be a good strategy to win

Since I will probably screw up and blow the game again.


So go on Bob go on and give the GBO your best shot

Since Doug quit me your the only f*^%ing partner I've got!



(note: Bob & Jody won the 25th - GBO!)


 In my hand I hold a ball,
  White and dimpled, rather small.
  Oh, how bland it does appear
  This harmless looking little sphere.
  By its size I could not guess
  The awesome strength it does possess;
  But since I fell beneath its spell
  I've wandered through the fires of Hell.
  My life has not been quite the same
  Since I chose to play this game.
  It rules my mind for hours on end.
  A fortune it has made me spend.
  It has made me curse and cry.
  I hate myself and want to die.
  It promises a thing called "par"
  If I can hit it straight and far.
  To master such a tiny ball
  Should not be very hard at all.
  But my desires the ball refuses
  And does exactly as it chooses.
  It hooks and slices..dribbles..dies
  Or disappears before my eyes.
  Often it will have a whim
  To hit a tree or take a swim.
  With miles of grass on which to land
  It finds a tiny patch of sand,
  Then has me offering up my soul
  If it will just drop in the hole.
  It's made me whimper like a pup,
  And swear that I will give it up
  And take to drink to ease my sorrow..
  But "The Ball" knows...I'll be back....tomorrow


Golfer's Credo..


Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. 

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your

mind during your swing. 

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either

hit one more club or two more balls. 

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome

ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can

immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and

top a ball halfway there.. 

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas

about the golf swing. 

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the

one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all

of your many other errors 

 replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. 

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty-foot putt ... For a 10 on that hole. 

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is l

ike expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.  

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a

straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. 

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch

90% of the time. 

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a

much earlier age.  

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is

actually the beginning of the next group of three.  

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down

again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball i

f you ever want to see it again. 

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two

triple bogies to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. 

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay

up just short of a water hazard.   

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of

his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15,

downswing = 300 mph. 

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top

and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and

which one is wearing the glove. 

Hazards attract; fairways repel. 

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint 

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.  

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's

why I get so many calls to play with friends. 

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life. 

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you

need to buy fresh ones each week. 

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace

his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. 

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven,

he probably shot an eight (or worse).

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon.

On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs

and fart if you are performing brain surgery!!!


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame.
Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams
.. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let

their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, f

aster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again

that you love them.

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in

a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the

opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo

Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move

as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the

slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural

selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed

and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing

of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain

can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake

of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the

slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption

of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and

more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not


What The GBO Is All About: